Tuesday, September 6, 2011

SAT/ACT Guided Wilderness Tour

Welcome to the guided SAT wilderness tour. Please keep your eyes, ears, and brains inside the test zone at all times.

The SAT wilderness is a dangerous, disturbing place. All kinds of creatures are out there, trying to steal your attention and kill your score.
Hear that buzzing noise? That’s the sound of the mow-squito (lembus herba), an animal rarely seen, but nonetheless dangerous. You can recognize it by its faint, unending droning sound, usually outside of windows in quiet rooms. The mow-squito, though small, has the ability to really get under your skin.

If you listen very carefully, you can also make out a softer sound. This is the AC bee (frigidus locus), a close relative to the mow-squito which lives inside cold, echoing rooms. The AC bee is less obtrusive than its outdoor cousin, but for that reason it can be even more dangerous. As is the case with all the animals on our tour, the AC bee is more afraid of you than you are of it. If you stop listening, it will leave you alone.

On your left, you will see Sickness Stream. The stream is populated with all sorts of dangerous, distracting wildlife. See that ripple there? That’s the sign of the predatory sniffler fish (pisces naso). Sniffler fish are nearly harmless alone, but they always attack in schools. I remember once when I was almost attacked by sniffle fish. I was sitting in the test zone, minding my own business, when I heard a sniff from desk in front of me. Then, after a few seconds, there was another sniff to my right. Then one to my left. I was surrounded! Fortunately, I was able to ignore them before it was too late.

However, the most dangerous thing about sniffler fish is that they attract the deadly cough-odile (gutter lacerta). Where there is a school of sniffler fish, there are bound to be at least one or two of these attention-killing coughing machines. If you do hear the sudden bark of a cough-odile, you may find yourself momentarily distracted. However, you will be fine if you take a few breaths and return to the test.

On this tour, you may see one or two cell-ephants (tinnulus monstro). These big guys are banned from the SAT wilderness, but every now and then you’ll hear one charging through the underbrush, or at least feel the vibration of its giant feet.

What’s that you say? You think we’re being followed? Of course we are. The time-ger has been stalking us since we left camp. But don’t worry; as long as we pace ourselves and don’t try to run away, he won’t bother us. The time-ger can be your best friend in the SAT wilderness, keeping you on the path and away from distractions. He can also be your worst enemy if he tricks you into making dumb mistakes.

That brings us to the end of our tour. I hope you learned a lot about the wildlife of the SAT. The SAT wilderness can be a loud distracting place, and it’s easy to get lost there. But if you keep your head down, and stay out of reach of the time-ger, you’ll be just fine.

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